Who's Got My Back?

Collage of husband and protector of 43 years

I was attracted to the title of the book, Girls With the Grandmother Faces, as I figure I’m one of those girls. We’re late fifties, on into sixties and seventies. Our children are grown and gone, spouses gone too...mostly we outlived them.  And we have quite a few bonus years ahead of us with choices to make. Many of us enjoy good health, and freedom to travel, educate ourselves and be active in the world around us.

When we lunch with friends, we’re the girls with the grandmother faces. We seem younger than my grandmother, who passed at 63 or my mother at 73. Now here I am, well past that, with husband of 43 years gone, and living the life of a widow... with more choices.

Off and on I contemplate my choices. Stay in the home, move near my kids, expand my interests here, start fresh in a new place. Usually I procrastinate, but lately I’ve been decluttering, thinking at least I’ll get rid of stuff so I CAN move.

And this is definitely challenging. I looked through my husbands voluminous writing files, wondering what to throw away from these residues of the past. I found long letters, unfinished novels, short stories, photos of past crushes, and more.

I came across a note in one of his files. “Once I asked Elizabeth why she wanted to marry me and she burst out: ‘Larry, you’re a jewel.’ I decided soon after that someone with such weak evaluatory powers required my protection in the world,” he wrote on a scrap of paper.

Well, protect me he did. Wonderful husband and father to the two children we raised. Good provider. Good money manager. Good decision maker. Good trip planner. Really great at what he called the “maintenance mode of life,” which he didn’t really like.

In any case, I’m left with it and I’m dealing with it. In the midst of the decluttering, the water heater sprung a leak. No big deal, I say. I’ll replace it, which I did.  When I see the laminate floor curling up, I check the Internet and learn there may be mold growing underneath and I should call my insurance company. Which I did. And the adjuster came out, and things began rolling.

Water remediation company comes in with fans and other equipment to dry the place out. They look at the tiles under the flooring...uh oh...could be asbestos. Asbestos tester comes out Yup! asbestos.

Water heater out. All furniture, everything out. Stripped to the walls. Whatever can’t be stuffed in the garage or guest bedroom goes to off-site storage. Asbestos people come, seal off the room, do their thing. Don’t go in the room for 24 hours.

OK. They’re gone. Water remediation equipment picked up. Water heater back, so I have hot water, but no laundry equipment. Next step...construction guy negotiates with insurance guy so we move ahead to fix floor, walls that had to be removed, etc.

Went out to look at my cypress trees. A bunch of them are dying. Have to deal with them. But first -  taxes! Have flat tire as I pull into tax place. No worries. Triple A to the tire store, four new tires.

Yesterday, health challenge arose. Time to visit Kaiser and see what’s what. Blood pressure rising.

I gotta say...I look back on that protection. I would love that. That was another era.

Today is a new day, new choices to make.  Learn to trust my own decisions. Get in a Wonder Woman pose. Be a woman of power and authority. Take some risks and discover my own capabilities. Live  alone and like it. Adapt to change.  Freedom, yes, plus responsibility. Opportunity to enrich my life and grow.

Who’s got my back now?

Ernest Holmes and Science of Mind. "Change Your Thinking, Change Your Life"  "Treat and Use Your Feet" "Act as If and You will Be." " Life lies open to you, full rich and abundant." And as Dr. Kenn Gordon, Spiritual Director of Centers for Spiritual Living, wrote in a recent email: Have "a profound faith that Infinite Spirit is unfolding, evolving and expressing as all of creation, all of the time."

And so it is.