Who's Got My Back?

Collage of husband and protector of 43 years

I was attracted to the title of the book, Girls With the Grandmother Faces, as I figure I’m one of those girls. We’re late fifties, on into sixties and seventies. Our children are grown and gone, spouses gone too...mostly we outlived them.  And we have quite a few bonus years ahead of us with choices to make. Many of us enjoy good health, and freedom to travel, educate ourselves and be active in the world around us.

When we lunch with friends, we’re the girls with the grandmother faces. We seem younger than my grandmother, who passed at 63 or my mother at 73. Now here I am, well past that, with husband of 43 years gone, and living the life of a widow... with more choices.

Off and on I contemplate my choices. Stay in the home, move near my kids, expand my interests here, start fresh in a new place. Usually I procrastinate, but lately I’ve been decluttering, thinking at least I’ll get rid of stuff so I CAN move.

And this is definitely challenging. I looked through my husbands voluminous writing files, wondering what to throw away from these residues of the past. I found long letters, unfinished novels, short stories, photos of past crushes, and more.

I came across a note in one of his files. “Once I asked Elizabeth why she wanted to marry me and she burst out: ‘Larry, you’re a jewel.’ I decided soon after that someone with such weak evaluatory powers required my protection in the world,” he wrote on a scrap of paper.

Well, protect me he did. Wonderful husband and father to the two children we raised. Good provider. Good money manager. Good decision maker. Good trip planner. Really great at what he called the “maintenance mode of life,” which he didn’t really like.

In any case, I’m left with it and I’m dealing with it. In the midst of the decluttering, the water heater sprung a leak. No big deal, I say. I’ll replace it, which I did.  When I see the laminate floor curling up, I check the Internet and learn there may be mold growing underneath and I should call my insurance company. Which I did. And the adjuster came out, and things began rolling.

Water remediation company comes in with fans and other equipment to dry the place out. They look at the tiles under the flooring...uh oh...could be asbestos. Asbestos tester comes out Yup! asbestos.

Water heater out. All furniture, everything out. Stripped to the walls. Whatever can’t be stuffed in the garage or guest bedroom goes to off-site storage. Asbestos people come, seal off the room, do their thing. Don’t go in the room for 24 hours.

OK. They’re gone. Water remediation equipment picked up. Water heater back, so I have hot water, but no laundry equipment. Next step...construction guy negotiates with insurance guy so we move ahead to fix floor, walls that had to be removed, etc.

Went out to look at my cypress trees. A bunch of them are dying. Have to deal with them. But first -  taxes! Have flat tire as I pull into tax place. No worries. Triple A to the tire store, four new tires.

Yesterday, health challenge arose. Time to visit Kaiser and see what’s what. Blood pressure rising.

I gotta say...I look back on that protection. I would love that. That was another era.

Today is a new day, new choices to make.  Learn to trust my own decisions. Get in a Wonder Woman pose. Be a woman of power and authority. Take some risks and discover my own capabilities. Live  alone and like it. Adapt to change.  Freedom, yes, plus responsibility. Opportunity to enrich my life and grow.

Who’s got my back now?

Ernest Holmes and Science of Mind. "Change Your Thinking, Change Your Life"  "Treat and Use Your Feet" "Act as If and You will Be." " Life lies open to you, full rich and abundant." And as Dr. Kenn Gordon, Spiritual Director of Centers for Spiritual Living, wrote in a recent email: Have "a profound faith that Infinite Spirit is unfolding, evolving and expressing as all of creation, all of the time."

And so it is.

Evoking Our Inner Mystic - Part II

 

I, along with Rev. Nancy Woods, am in the throes of teaching the class, Practical Mysticism, and we’re continuing to awaken our inner mystics.

As mentioned in an earlier blog, we use the book by Caroly Myss, Enter the Castle, which is inspired by Teresa of Avila, who views the Soul as a castle with seven mansions and much soul work to help our evolution.

The soul is our divine essence, a masterpiece of divinity in miniatures and this soul castle represents our deep inner consciousness. It’s an inner sanctum to gather the strength, clarity and stability to access sublime divine guidance, says Myss.  As we journey into the Castle, we grow to understand the meaning and purpose of our lives. We build soul stamina and endurance.

According to Myss, the reason we have descended into physical life is to unleash the power of our soul upon Earth, and we can strengthen it.

In the lower three mansions, we work to clear our soul of what Myss calls “reptiles,” those interior sufferings of mind, heart and spirit. These are attachments to the physical world that bring pain, distraction, and haunt our thoughts and feelings. They need to be faced and expelled, which is not easy. 

Reptiles can be hatred, jealousy, envy, vengeance, arrogance, dishonesty, vanity, guilt, memories of abuse, inability to forgive, addictions and more. It takes a boot camp of disciplined soul work to expel these venomous, slithering reptiles before we can move along. In the Fourth Mansion, we are purified enough to stretch our soul -- to become a divine container of love.

Traveling through the fifth, sixth and seventh mansions successfully brings us to fearless bliss, united with divine enlightenment.

Quite a journey.

Along the way we encounter Chaos. This may be Divine Chaos, such as a health challenge, death of loved one, earthly disasters or other traumatic events which bring new decisions and directions to our soul’s journey.

For example, a bout with breast cancer twenty years ago prompted my spiritual quest. I found this Center, and never left. Without the chaos and emotional turmoil of that health challenge, which of course I didn’t want, I wouldn’t be here today.

Chaos can also be self-created...to avoid confronting an unpleasant truth. As we examine our actions, reactions, personal choices and motivations, we become aware of how we create chaos to distract ourselves, to cloud reason and create confusion. Perhaps we’re attached to an addiction, and blow up in anger if someone suggests we give it up.

As we examine our attachments, we can ask: "What power do they have over me?
How can I get free? How might it change me to detach?"

A First Mansion challenge is to go through the door of humility. This is not humiliation -- that assault on our self esteem when someone demeans us. No, this is being humble, detached from the need for praise, or approval or the need to win. It’s listening for divine guidance and following it. 

We detach, as Myss says, from everyday “earthbound madness.” As we liberate ourselves from the fear of humiliation we can live a “wildly free life.”

I’d like that. Wouldn’t you?  And so it is.